Week Four: 'Shush. What can you see?'

I'm not expecting to write much of the substance of what happened this week. Suffice it to say that it included some crappy days and some rays of hope with more time with my bosses to work on my development. What I wanted to touch on is the epiphany I woke up with this morning. For four weeks now, I've wondered why I have been having a hard time with work... is it because I am away from my family? Probably. Is it because I am physically exhausted by the end of the day? Sure. But I have been away from my family for school during the week but I didn't end up with the same feeling that I have when I return from work now. There is definitely something else.

My difficulty is twofold. It lies with the fact that I cannot see 'the bigger picture' while I am at work and that's mostly because they won't teach it to me. 90% of the time I try to learn something I am told, "Eh, you don't need to know that yet. You'll figure it out later." I tried to explain to a fellow manager-in-training yesterday that it helps me to know all of our policies and procedures beforehand so I don't make silly mistakes later on that could be avoided. "Don't worry about it" was what I was told. Thing is, I need that bigger picture. That is how I learn best. I need to see everything so later on I know where and how the little things fit into context. What I wouldn't give to see the bigger picture. Why won't anyone teach it to me?

The second part of my difficulty at work probably was something to do with my pride. I'm not gonna lie, I am not good at what I do right now at work. I have to work my butt off and I am still not very good at it. At this job, I am not using any of my hard-earner, sharply-made, fined-tuned skills. None. I come home at the end of the day thinking how I suck at my job when deep down I know I have amazing skills that just aren't being used. My intelligence, my research skills, my writing ability, my analytical skills, my ability to retain lots of information are all collecting dust on my hypothalamus. Instead, the people at work are seeing my worst skills in action: my sales inability, my lack of people skills, my inability to hear anything over that loud music. I feel so awkward at work. I know that comes through in part of what I do too. So now what? I know that this job isn't getting the best out of me. Do I give up or work through it?

I think I'll go read my patriarchal blessing.