And the trials come...

You know that saying that when it rains, it pours? Well, my life is flooding right now... Sigh, within the past week, I have been hit with bad news about family member's health, had some pretty scary pre-term contractions that were going every 5 minutes (on meds to knock those off), had heavy stress from work (yelled at by crazy moms and kids going into crisis after crisis), am at risk for failing a course (that I previously had a 110% in) based on a technicality, and now Ben's got the stomach flu! I've been so overwhelmed that I didn't know where to turn.

Thank heavens for the wonderful support I have around me. Family has offered their support and help... Eddie was there at my doctor's visit to ensure I told the doctor everything and not minimize it. Because of the stress at work and my subsequent contractions, the doctor is now recommending that I begin my leave early... like end of next week early. Sigh. I guess that's both a relief and a stressor. Heck, I woke up this morning rethinking the newly assigned case managers to the kids on my caseload. Are they the right person? Will they be able to work with the family like I do? Am I abandoning these kids? And the questions go on and on. --Of course, HR was none too thrilled about me leaving work early and let me know on Friday that by beginning my FMLA next week, I technically have to return to work 4 weeks after my scheduled C-section, otherwise they cannot guarantee my job, my insurance, or my short-term disability pay. Nice, right? But don't worry, HR lady told me not to stress about it because "hopefully [I] could go into pre-term labor, have a pre-term baby, and then return to work just fine by mid-July." Thanks, HR. That's a great idea. Where do they find these people?

So now my job is to relax and get through the remainder of these trials without sending myself into labor again. Every time I start to worry and feel my belly getting tight and my back starting to cramp, I try to take a deep breath and let it all go. Huh. Relaxing might end up being more work than doing the work itself...

Out of Context

I have been so stressed out lately. It's like every day I have to hit a reset button on myself just to be able to function enough to get through the day. It reminds me of an experience in my group therapy class where another young lady shared that every time she would be stressed or upset due to the many pressures and influences on her, she would simply hit a 'reset button,' push the stress to the back of her mind, and say, "That's okay," and she would be able to get through the rest of her day. It wasn't really working for her on a deeper level, but at least she was functioning, right? I realized this week that I have been resetting myself like a caged mouse abusing his pellet button. Every day it gets a little harder to hit the reset and by Monday, I felt as if I was reaching a melting point.

So Tuesday I decided to work from home. An option I have always had but have rarely taken advantage of. Why? Because work is done more efficiently in the office with all my resources at my fingertips. Thus, I never really allowed myself to work from home except in extreme situations. But yesterday was a work from home day. A day to take myself out of the context of my life and just be me with no one else around. No office politics. No forced conversations. No obnoxious co-workers shouting frustrations from the next cubicle over. Just me and my house.

Did you know that you can actually hear yourself think when there isn't chaos drowning it out? Did you know there is life outside the rat race we attend every day? I felt so wonderful after having spent the morning doing work my way that I had to do it again today. Sigh. Work from home might not be as efficient as it would be if I was sitting next to the fax machine and file room, but life sure is a lot better. Taking yourself out of the context of the daily crap allows you to breathe again. It allows you to remember who you are and see beyond the next appt to where you are in life. I'm more than the caseload I support; I have a life too. I just need to remember that every now and then.

Silence is chocolate.

On Tuesday I ate my afternoon ding dong as I worked in the office doing some documentation. It was my second to last ding dong as I had been working on the box for 3 weeks now. As I finished my post-lunch treat and tossed the foil into the trash, I realized my throat started to feel tight and my lungs felt as though they were coated with molasses. For the rest of the evening, I had to use my inhaler to breathe and had a nasty cough.

Wednesday morning proved to be much better. I awoke normal again and able to breathe. The morning went well as did lunch. However, chocolate tragedy would strike again. That afternoon as I drove to my last meeting of the day I again enjoyed an afternoon sweet, another ding dong, the last in the box. Before I could even crumple the wrapper, I again felt the tightness in my chest and felt as if I were breathing into a paper bag. This feeling continued for the rest of the evening. I didn't seem to be able to get enough air. Thursday morning was not as good as the previous and I awoke with my voice completely gone. Never mind that I was facilitating two meetings and presenting my first training at work that day and was unable to utter a word; was I allergic to chocolate, I wondered?

I spoke with my mom about this concern and apparently it is something that runs on the maternal side of the family: my mom and her mom both tend to have an intolerance for "cheaper" chocolate, such as the kind that covers my cakey ding dong delight, to the point that it affects their asthma as well. What?? I couldn't believe it. How could it bother me now when I had been eating them for weeks? I don't know. I don't get it. Sigh... all I know is that Valentine's Day is around the corner and I just discovered I might allergic to chocolate. How depressing.

Halloween... 3 months later.

I wanted to put up all the photos of Ben from Halloween. We bought the Buzz Lightyear costume but I made the wings out of posterboard and shoe laces. We went to our church the weekend before Halloween for a Trunk or Treat. Everyone backs their cars into the parking lot and hands out candy from their decorated trunks. We missed the chili cookoff but made it just in time for Ben to get candy from about 20 cars. He was definitely the most polite trick or treater there saying, "Please" and "Thank you" to anyone who handed him a piece of candy. On Halloween, we walked around the neighborhood till we reached my mom's house (she lives right behind us) where Ben saw his Uncle Jake. After seeing family, he didn't want to go to anymore houses and made Eddie carry him home. Good thing it was so close. We spent the rest of the evening handing out candy in front of our house. We even demanded that the teenagers who would merely shove their bags in our faces say, "Trick or Treat" real nice and pretty. I guess we are lucky they didn't come back and egg us... haha. Ben has since worn his Buzz costumes a few more times (a couple of times he just wants to wear the wings), but each time he dawns part or all of the costume he runs through the house yelling, "TO INFINITY AND BE-NONNNNNDDD!"

Array of Photos

I decided to just post a bunch of pictures from the past, um... 7 months or so. You know, the period of time we went MIA due to computer technical difficulties. There are some from our trip to San Diego, our wedding anniversary, Ben being silly, more silly Ben, and some other random stuff. Enjoy!!!!

Holiday Time...

I know this Christmas post in late but I figure better late than never, right? Christmas was mellow but really nice this year. Didn't the season seem to go by really fast this year though? Anyway, on Christmas Day, we three spent the whole day together (I'm not sure we ever changed out of our pajamas) just relaxing and using our new presents. Ben loved his new tool bench. He still runs around with his tools saying, "I'm like you, Daddy. Like you!" So cute. I made a lasanga and salad for dinner. Simple, but nice. Unfortunately, my morning sickness prevented me from eating much so Eddie was left with the task to eat all of it in the week ahead. He did not disappoint me. Eat it, he did.

Been so long... will anyone read this?

So it has been over six months since I have posted anything. Our computer didn't seem to handle the move very well and refused to do much of anything. It would take 15 minutes just to get to my hotmail account. Ridiculous. There were so many viruses and despite purchasing software to fix it, the computer seemed to be taking a turn for the worse. And so, we just avoided using the computer completely for the past 8 months only using it when absolutely necessary as we feared we would lose our documents and pics if we messed with it too much and... because of all the viruses deeply imbedded in the system, we didn't want to just back up our stuff thinking it might take the virus to our new computer... Thank heavens for Geek Squad. We took the computer in and they were able to back up all our information and check it all for bugs. Whew. Now we've been able to plug in the computer we purchased back in May and forever lay to rest the junk one without the fear that it will die taking our precious baby photos and what not with it.